lambethlou

Why do people enter politics? Is there a genuine desire to

2008-03-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Why do people enter politics?

Is there a genuine desire to improve the quality of life of your constituents? Or is it to jump ship with the job half done in the Rotten Borough, all for an MP's salary and the privileges (and expenses) of the House?

Ernest Bevin, Tony Benn, Lambeth Lou: We need you now more than ever. Especially in Streatham.

Lambeth Lou is watching and waiting.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

A Merry Festivus and a Happy New Year to all in Lambeth from

2007-12-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

A Merry Festivus and a Happy New Year to all in Lambeth from your caring, sharing local authority. Council Tax bills are in the post and we would like to take this festive opportunity to remind you all that first payment is due by the end of January.

This year has been a momentous year within the Rotten Borough. We have reached new levels of incompetence, skulduggery and general Terry Fuckwit style behaviour. Members of our elite management team have been rewarded accordingly.

Where Lambeth leads, others follow. It's no coincidence that the national Nu Labour party has been pants ever since prominent members of Lambeth Labour *cough* expressed a desire to fuck off out of the Rotten Borough and balls up at Westminster to make use of their carefully crafted political skills on a wider platform.

Poor old Gordon won't know what's hit him.

Some of the highlights in Lambeth this year have involved our commitment to routinely dismantle all leisure provision within the Rotten Borough. Brixton Rec's 'refurbishment' (and we would have got away with it if it wasn't for those pesky users!) has been a leading light in Third Way politics. Not left, not right and certainly with no direction.

Clapham is coming up close behind with the pool being closed for over a month now, and just wait until we start on Streatham. Those God-hating, Eno loving LibDems are trying to take all the credit for selling out the Little People of Lambeth to some multi-million pound poxy supermarket business. The done deal was signed, sealed and delivered under OUR watch. Never let it be said that New Labour isn't the friend of big business (although it's probably best if any of our comrades in the North East kept quiet on this issue until we ride the storm out.)

And then there's Stockwell Park school. Out with the old, in with the new. Having a swimming pool in a local school isn't exactly a great life skill. Lock the little hoodies away in the class room and teach them business studies all day long is the way of Lambeth Labour. The wheels of industry need greasing, and so do party funds. Fuck the swimming pool - throw 'em in at the deep end of the free market.

And so have a great festive season one and all. Be careful what you wish for - with the soon to be vacated Streatham parliamentary seat just around the corner, you may get just what you don't want.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

Good news Comrades from within the Rotten Borough! Nope,

2007-11-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

Good news Comrades from within the Rotten Borough! Nope, Lambeth Labour hasn't gone into coalition with the LibDems and Tories and formed the Fuck Tribal Politics - Let's All Get Pissed and Shag Each Other Party (actually, thank heavens that hasn't happened, although some of those LibDems with their sandals in the Council chamber can test the patience (and hormones) of a Saint. But that's enough about ME...)

Nope, the Rotten Borough is proud to bang it's own broken drum once again and spin out some shyte all about re-branding and a better service for the Little People.

The Brixton Parking Shop at Arlington Road is now closed. Hurrah! The queues stretched all the way up to Streatham, such was the inefficiency of our over-worked, under-paid poor staff. All parking services provided by the shop are now available at the Brixton Customer Centre (wooooohh!!) at Olive Morris House, Brixton Hill.

Rather than trace your sorry arse all around town to pay your fines, we've put in place a wonderful one-stop shop solution. We'll fleece you for underpayments in your Council Tax and housing benefit, plus now you can pay your unwarranted parking fines all in the same place! Genius!

But don't worry - the piss poor service of Arlington Parade will remain. Please don't shout at our incompetent staff - wait until they shout at you first. Plus you'll be pleased to know that we're keeping the double whammy so beloved of Arlington Parade regarding our lovely Traffic Wardens. Whilst you're paying your fine within, the fuckers will be fleecing you from the outside with a new fine.

Two for the price of one! Everyone's happy!

Oh, and my advisors asked me to mention the memory of Olive Morris, a true Lambeth Lady who campaigned for better housing for all within the Rotten Borough. And what do we do? Yep - go and name the most incompetent housing office in the country after her.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

There's nothing I like doing better than exposing myself. An

2007-11-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

There's nothing I like doing better than exposing myself. An honest, open and democratic form of local government, transparent to the core and squeaky clean.

Well, it's an ideal to try and aspire to at least.

But here in Lambeth and we've been busy in exposing other people. A new zero tolerance IDIOT policy is in place, designed to prevent people who are fools for standing in General Elections.

Yikes.

'Idiot tourists' who come in from outside the Rotten Borough to stand in General Elections could find their faces splashed on a prominent poster in the town centre under the new policy. I only hope they find a billboard big enough to post up a picture capable of doing my own ego justice.

Details will also be posted on the Council's website under a new section called IDIOT. Admittedly this could cause a few problems as 99% of the local politicians listed on the Lambeth website could quite easily fall under this description.

And so there you have it - more exposure for the IDIOTS.

At least it will stop me looking in the mirror every five minutes.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

Unique new fraud busting technology is coming to Lambeth. The

2007-11-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

Unique new fraud busting technology is coming to Lambeth. The Council chamber will be running a pilot scheme to tackle politicians that tell porkie pies whilst having a mass debate. Voice Risk Analysis (VRA) is being fitted into the Council chamber after there was concern that you are more likely to catch a kipper along Cold Water Lane than hear a Lambeth politician tell the truth.

I'm not making this up, either. Honest, 'Guv (although I realise that honesty within a local politician is almost as fickle as the fools who vote them in.)

The technology measures slight fluctuations in the human voice indicating levels of stress and when stress is generated by an attempt to deceive. We tried it out at our local branch meeting the other week, and whaddya know - nine out of ten members claimed that the Big Tent Man is doing a grand job (I was the doubter amongst the pack, although I put my voice fluctuations down to having a scotch egg just before the meeting. Must remember to lay off the scotch eggs come the start of the Streatham campaign trail. But then again...)

It's a good job you're reading this story rather than hear me articulate it. It may come as no surprise to learn that I'm talking complete bollocks. My voice is higher than the atmosphere than inside The Fridge on a Friday night. But I can get away with it, just by putting showing you my expenses claim for last month (two dozen scotch eggs from Tesco along Acre lane.)

VRA technology is already used by the insurance industry to combat fraud. And we all know how trustworthy big business and banks are.

Fancy a scotch egg, anyone?

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

Yo Lambeth Yoof! Check it 'n wreck it! (but remember we have

2007-10-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yo Lambeth Yoof! Check it 'n wreck it! (but remember we have CCTV following your every move, not to mention new Big Brother style camera cars on the streets of South London, so maybe it's not such a wise idea to drop that chewing wrapper outside the Town Hall.)

But anyway, Yoof...

Here in the Rotten Borough and we like to big up da Yoof so much that we're actually allowing you to play the game of Be a Silly Bugger. That's right - you too could become a Lambeth local politician.

It's child's play to be honest. If I can get away with it, then even the most disadvantaged kid to come out of out of our chronically under-invested education system in the Borough is going to make a better job of it than me.

Yoof - ur Borough needs U.

The election for Lambeth's first eva (see what I've done there?) ~~party puppet~~ Yoof Mayor takes place later this month. Start em young, I say; a vote for a Yoof Mayor one day is a vote for a Streatham seat in a few years time.

Lambeth, like many councils, has failed to invest properly in youth services for nearly two decades. No coincidence that we weren't in power then.

A budget of £25,000 awaits the first Lambeth Youth Mayor. Don’t go spending it all on ring tones! (No - please really DON'T go spending it all on ring tones, although JD Sports on Brixton Road has a half price sale on right now.)

So big up da big man from da Council, and big up yerself. But make sure you big me up more than yourself, and give us yer fucking vote.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

Let's have a mass debate all about Dispersal Zones. Dispersal

2007-10-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Let's have a mass debate all about Dispersal Zones. Dispersal Zones DON'T refer to the exodus to the door at the Lambeth Labour meeting when I suggested that I should stand for the soon to be vacated Streatham seat. I've had first class farts that have cleared the room slower.

Nope, Dispersal Zones are our way of dealing with the Little People that we don't want to deal with. Homeless, addiction problems and genuinely smelly all round? Poohey! I'm a Vagrant - Get Me Out of this Rotten Borough!

And so at Lambeth Council we've introduced the genius way to get rid of all the problems that we can't be arsed to deal with. Move along, there's nothing to see here; not on my patch, not my problem, Guv.

We disperse all the little shits (undesirables, not local authority types) out to Southwark (the one local authority that actually conspires to make Lambeth look half decent.)

The Safer Lambeth Partnership is as safe as houses (which actually isn't that safe around here.) Everyone's a winner, except I haven't quite done my maths, having failed to realise that for every little fucker dispersed, that's one less potential vote for me.

Vote Monkey. Get Monkey.

A shocking report out today detailing how political parties are

2007-10-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

A shocking report out today detailing how political parties are wasting money on unnecessary election campaigns.

But that's enough about the political hot potato that is the soon to be vacated Streatham seat, what about the general election that never was?

Aha!

Only last week I delved deep into my own election war chest in preparation for the Big Push. The strategy (and those nice men from New Labour HQ insist that we have a strategy, although I'm buggered if I'm ever asked to explain it...) is to hit the Little People hard. OK, we're already doing that with Lambeth's inflated Council Tax bills, but I also want to hit them hard with my election manifesto.

I pondered the idea of a New Media online strategy, but, ahem, I don't have a great track record in that.

Back to snail mail it is then, assuming those ~~lazy-arsed Posties ever get back to work~~ hard working families (who also happen to be on the electoral register) manage to reach a satisfactory Third Way vision ahead for future working time implementations.

Mail shots to all of my potential voters don't come cheap you know. There wasn't much change from a fiver for a book of twelve second class stamps at the Streatham High Street Post Office.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

The Party Propaganda Machine in Lambeth is on the increase?

2007-10-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

The Party Propaganda Machine in Lambeth is on the increase?

True

False

When's the sodding election?

Turn to p2 & p3 for more self-centred egos bollocks...

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.

Never let it be said that Lambeth Lou isn't down with the kids.

2007-10-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

Never let it be said that Lambeth Lou isn't down with the kids. Today's ASBO boys are tomorrow's electorate. Hug a Hoodie in Herne Hill (but only when the press are present) and then fuck off back to the Town Hall ASAP for a wash down in some industrial fluid.

Yep, Lambeth Lou is talking it DIRECT wiv da Yoof. I may be talking the usual bullshit direct, but at least I'm ~~pimping myself out for more votes~~ engaging with my potential Streatham constituency.

Give us yer vote, you little fuckers before we bang you up in Brixton nick.

But the problem in engaging wiv da Yoof is dat da Yoof don't speak English no more. Proper stuff, like and all that.

I blame the schools. Not that there are any school places available in Lambeth anymore.

Nope - Yoof have their own means of communication, and Lambeth Lou has just signed up on the information superhighway to talk about re-cycling, better health care provision and um, the war on drugs.

Aye.

I tinkered with the idea of a Lambeth Lou Myspace page, but the all the flashing colours reminded me of a late night session I once had at The Fridge on a Friday night. I certainly got to Hug a Hoodie that night.

And so eyes right (and polices - aha!) and you'll see the Lambeth Lou Facebook (oh yes!) badge. I don't want to actually see Yoof face to face, but I don't mind if they become my Facebook friends.

Clever, eh?

And so the great stampede has started. A Facebook friend is a potential vote. Come and say hello and I'll ~~leave you with a shady PO Box number~~ engage in meaningful conversation and start a mass debate in Lambeth.

Vote Monkey, Get Monkey.